Summer Loves...

So I'm seeing a re-occurring trend of list making in my blog, and I must admit, I don't hate it. There's just something about lists that make everything SO much cooler! I don't know if it's the actual process of me coming up with the bullet points, or the fact that i like what I'm listing? i dunno. Maybe I should just bite the bullet and become "that gay". You know. The "Administrative Assistant" (a damned secretary) *rolls eyes) In the famous words of my love Ms. Whitney Houston, "Hell to the no Bobby!"

Anyway that's neither here nor there, back to my list...list...list...ahhh here we are. The list I shall create today will be one that everybody in Chicago lives for: The Summer List. A list consisting of the things that Chicagoans wait SO long for. You know...Because we only have two seasons: Winter & Summer.(UGH) There's no transition at all. One day it bitterly cold like freezing, and the next day it's 90 in the shade (feels like 115 with all the humidity). But you guys all know, I'm never one to complain (If it were possible to be giving my self the "evil eye", I'd be doing so).

So I'm not really sure what others are doing with their summers here in the "Second City", but since summer official began for me I've been doing, and shall continue to do the following, among other things that I shall list here.

1. The BEACH!!! North Avenue beach though, not Hollywood. I can't bring myself to go there. I'm not too good for it or anything, but I can't handle all the gays. I mean love my kindred spirits, but I can't handle them in large amounts, and Oak Street Beach has a few more ghetto people than I'd like and is littered with way too many tourists with their speedos and odd shapes, they lack the shame that most fat Americans have. I mean honestly some people should not...SHOULD NOT wear a two piece bathing suit, or a speedo.

2. Day drinking: start drinking the cheap wine and beer at least around 12 noon, 2 pm at the latest. By around 6-7 move on to the good wine for dinner time, at around 10 break out the good stuff. In a nutshell, wine and spirits during the day-hard stuff at night. You need to be well drunk by the time you go out. Who wants to spend time and money at the bars getting drunk? Too expensive. There's a recession out there I'm ballin on a budget. Plus, time should be spent doing other things at the bars, like dancing and...

3. Sex: ugh I don't wanna talk about it.

4. Coffee & Crosswords: Before it's time to day drink. One should always make time to sit on the patio at Starbucks and have a coffee do a crossword, and watch people. One of my favorite pass-times. People are so funny...and stupid, and I mean that in the least bitchiest fashion. But they are. Watch them. You'll See.

5. Work: I guess that comes in at some point, huh?

6. The Taste of Chicago: one word: food.

7. Free Museum Days!

8. Six Flags Great America: although they may be going bankrupt, they are still arguably the best theme park ever!

9. Lollapalooza: I shall probably be drunk for most of it. I am not as excited as every other gay is to see Lady Gags...she's not my favorite.

10. CHICAGO PRIDE FEST!!!: OK so this year for pride I plan to go all out. My first year Pride '08 I was a bit too drunk, last year '09 I was waaaayyyyy to sober, but this year. oh Plan on loosin myself. I mean why not? It's pride! I owe it to myself to get loose and find an alley with an attractive stranger to give my carnal treasures to. Lord knows I won't have to go and buy any condoms!...

So there it is kids, my summer 2010 bullet list. This is going to be an epic summer. I'm more than sure of it... oh and about #10 about half of it may be a fallacy. I mean look at me. I'm too damned scared to do something that crazy...peace

I'm BACK!!! (again)

So last night, or this morning depending on which way you'd like to look at it, at around 1:30 am, I decided to continue writing in my blog after nearly a year gone. I mean I had just started when I stopped, what looked to be a very promising blog. I guess I just lost my...my umph. My moxy if you will.

So my good friend Jenn (@freeandflawed)gave me an ultimatum: "DO IT OR I'M NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN! (How's that for motivation?)". Well that was all the motivation I needed to get back to it. So I've got my coffee, laptop, and spell check. Let's do this...

Fresh post!

Its been so long since i posted. I feel like since i have this sweet little iPhone app I'll be posting a bit more:) .
Nothing special about this post though just going through my facebook notes and was reminiscing so I decided to post about it...
Working @ the Fitch used to be soo fun. Damn you economy! Barely any of these things ever happen anymore. Maybe I just need to wait until we have a management revamp. You know when the either get promoted or replaced by someone more attractive and moved to a mall out of site. Which is probably in order. It's actually almost done. One left!!! But this list is something one of my fellow models found. I miss you Ashlee:)
I'm almost in tears reading this!!! It's so crazy how true this crap is.

1. You see yourself fixing stuff in other stores.
2. Dim lights don't seem to bother you
3. The music where you're at is never loud enough.
4. You aren't talking about roadside assistance when you mention AAA.
5. You have to repeat yourself to customers because they can't hear you over the music.
6. If you've ever had to explain a dirty innuendo to a confused soccer mom.
7. You have a set playlist you play everytime you work.
8. If you've ever held back tears/anger as someone destroys a stack of clothes you JUST folded.
9. "Spritzing" the store is your favorite job.
10. You go home with at least two size stickers stuck to your flip flops.
11. Most of your c.d.s include bands from the juke and you now consider them "Abercrombie Music".
12. You memorize songs you HATE.
13. You call the mannequins "forms".
14. When there are busy days, you absolutely hate working but in the end, wind up being so damn fun!
15. You get angry when there aren't size stickers on shirts/jeans.
16. You have found your managers' Facebooks.
17. You use Abercrombie bags as trash cans.
18. Getting new shipment in is like Christmas!
19. You get annoyed at seeing other messy stores
20. When you refer to your laundry as go-backs!
21. You know the stories behind David Abercrombie and Ezra Fitch.
22. 25% of your paycheck goes to the Mall Food Court and the other 75% goes right back to Abercrombie.
23. You tried to recruit someone you thought was 18 but was actually 14.
24. When you purposely make the forms grope each other to see if anyone will notice.
25. You have the same schedule printed out 5 times and they're all in your back pocket.
26. You have excuses as to why you stay at Abercrombie even though the pay is shitty (Ex: it's chill, good music, I don't do shit, we have fun...etc).
27. You call colors by numbers.
28. And finally, you know you work at Abercrombie if all of this has hit way too close to home!

So You Have Claimed a Gay: F.Y.I. We Fart Too!

Just recently I took a trip with a few friends to Six Flags Great America. Two new friends, one I met for the first time on this outing. I absolutely fell in love with this lady. So happy I don’t like vageens, because I love her to pieces! You know how you meet someone and after that first meeting you know that are a complete match? Well it’s happened. Sorry ladies but this Homo is now off the market. Rachel Martin in all of her inappropriateness and glory has claimed me as her gay. Yes, you read correctly. We’re going steady, we’re pretty exclusive now. Its okay ladies, I’m sure there’s a great gay out there for you.

That’s just the tip (ha ha, just the tip) of the iceberg though. We pretty much like all of the same things. Cartoons, video games, comics, crude humor, alcoholic beverages, public debauchery at times, just to name a few…actually just to name several, but do you know the best part? Of course you don’t that’s why I’m going to tell you! She was a total virgin to the gay world! Now I just absolutely loooove popping cherries, especially the metaphorical ones, they don’t bleed as much.

I just finished up a conversation on twitter with her, and found out she didn’t know we (“we” being homos) farted. Of course we fart silly, and poop even more. How else do you think we make room for penile/phallic insertion? We do not bleed though, unless you push it in a bit too rough.

Anywho I after reassuring her of the homo’s gassy nature, I told her I would dedicate a blog for her, a brochure if you will. The brochure thing was Rachel’s idea. That being said I have composed a small list of things my new hag needs to know…

1. We fart too!
2. We are frequent alcohol abusers, and now so are you.
3. Fact: we love sex.
4. Always ask your hotel concierge for the gay part of town. There’s always one.
5. We love Beyonce’ (White or Black Gays) the bitch is fierce.
6. We do not say fierce anymore. Ha ha
7. Fact: We’re very exceptional penis receptacles, any questions just ask.
8. Never practice with a banana hurts like hell. Use a cucumber if needed, goes in/down smoother. (only for emergencies)
9. We dance when we hear music, doesn’t matter where we are so consider yourself forewarned.
10. Extremely honest: beware, we won’t hold back when doling out advice of any kind.
11. Will & Grace is the way to our heart, so is a good penis and a nice face (just throwing that out there).
12. Love humor at other’s expense.
13. Be Prepared to judge people all the time…it’s just fun (harmless fun)
14. Did I mention sex was a key topic? (in all conversations)
15. Anything and everything considered inappropriate, maybe even lewd sometimes in everyday life=appropriate in “everygay” life…

So there’s your yum-yums hags, I’m going to shave my cat so that it knows it has nipples (thank you deven green), only after I bake a little bread. (and not the kind that Betty bakes ;)

The Spartan Ballet!

So today was a very interesting day. I went to my friends pool, which was a total fail, since it started raining approximately 30 minutes after my arrival. I was pretty upset. I got a nice tan though (ha ha).

In other news I did witness a total tragedy in the subway. ^The girl pictured above was wearing what I like to call the "Spartan Ballerina from the neighborhood" look. Her feet were totally spilling over out of her "slippers" if you will. I just thought that was an amazing thing. My dear Spartan ballerina, let me judge you: I give you a three, four, whatever comes after six and keys to a hotel room.

I know it makes me look like a bad person, when I take pictures of people on the train, but I mean really. Who doesn't judge people like this. Maybe this is why i have the friends that I have. I only hope that others can appreciate a good laugh at someone else's expense the way we can. I mean this is not what I do all day.

Wait I just lied, I do judge people all day, but I do other things too. I do, I really do!!!!

That is all...

People Watching 101

Hmm...What should I blog about. Let me think. Oh, here it is. This is what I witnessed in Starbucks one day while people watching and having my midday latte...let me tell you, this didn't excite me in the least bit. Why on earth would any self-respecting man walk out of the house in this fashion? Why? I'll tell you why...

Well maybe I won't tell you why, but I will tell you this. This guy truly needed some stern words from myself, which i was tempted to give, but instead I decided to post it on the world wide web and blog about it. Who the piss where's mom jeans? Other than moms, and female (tenured) teachers from Willacoochie, Georgia, or some other backwoods school in the south.

Yes my dears, this guy was begging for it. I mean I love to people watch, and judge those who pass my line of sight, but it's all harmless. Everyone has done it. Don't get me wrong, I don't only judge the ugly, tragic ones. I judge the hot ones as well. I pick out the guys I would do (in the biblical way). It's People Watching 101 kids. Learn it, live it, love it!

Well this is my first blog post as you can probably tell, I'll have more innovative, funny ones in the near future! Peace and L...